Abraham Lincoln is known for his ability to tell jokes and a funny story. In fact, it made him a celebrity when he lived in Sangamo Town, Illinois, as a young man supervising the construction of a flatboat. One resident said “he could make a cat laugh.” Lincoln’s humor was distinctly crude, and his lifelong fondness for off-color stories became legendary. When asked in 1859, “why do you not write out your stories and put them in a book,” Lincoln “drew himself up—fixed his face, as if a thousand dead carcusses…were shooting all their stench into his nostrils, and said ‘Such a book would stink like a thousand privies.’ ” Lincoln felt clean stories lacked fun, but favored stories that illustrated a point and disliked vulgarity for its own sake. Most of these off-color stories have been lost, as most people did not want to tarnish his image by relating them. Here are a few of them that I found…
…while reading the massive two-volume “Abraham Lincoln: A Life” by Michael Burlingame. This thoroughly researched work is the culmination of a lifetime of research and writing. I believe it is the definitive biography of Lincoln, and I highly recommend it. While the off-color humor is not crude by today’s standards; it was in Lincoln’s. I’m taking these stories from Burlingame’s first volume. They are written verbatim with the grammar and spelling as they were originally written:
Abner Ellis shared this Lincoln joke with William Herndon: “It appears that Shortly after we had pease with England Mr. [Ethan] Allen had occasion to visit England, and while their the English took Great pleasure in teasing him, and trying to Make fun of the Americans and General Washington in particular and one day they got a picture of General Washington, and hung it up in the Back House. Mr. Allen Could see it and they finally asked Mr A if he saw that picture of his friend in the Back House. Mr Allen said no. but said he thought that it was a very appropriate [place] for an Englishman to keep it[.] Why they asked. For said Mr Allen there is Nothing that will make an Englishman Shit So quick as the Sight of Genl Washington.”
Defecation was not the only bodily function that animated Lincoln’s joke’s; flatulence would serve just as well, especially if the setup was richly detailed and the punch line held the sort of surprise that typified his humor. He told of a “man of audacity, quick witted, self-possessed, & equal to all occasions” who was asked to carve a turkey for a large party. “The men and women surrounded the table & the audacious man being chosen to carver whetted his great carving knife with the steel and got down to business & commenced carving the turkey, but he expended too much force & let a fart—a loud fart so that all the people heard it distinctly. As a matter of course it shocked all terribly. A deep silence reigned. However the audacious man was cool & entirely self possessed; he was curiously & keenly watched by those who knew him well, they suspecting that he would recover in the end and acquit himself with glory. The man with a kind of sublime audacity, pulled off his coat, rolled up his sleeves—put his coat deliberately on a chair—spat on his hands—took his position at the head of the table—picked up the carving knife & whetted it again, never cracking a smile nor moving a muscle of his face. It now became a wonder in the minds of all the men & women how the fellow was to get out of his dilemma; he squared himself and said loudly & distinctly—‘Now by God I’ll see if I can’t cut up this turkey without farting.’ ”
Lincoln also poked fun at drunks. “When I was a little boy,” he once said, “I lived in the state of Kentucky, where drunke[n]ness was very co[m]mon on election days. At an election…in a village near where I lived, on a day when the weather was inclement and the roads exceedingly muddy, A Toper named Bill got brutally drunk and staggered down a narrow alley where he layed himself down in the mud, and remained there until the dusk of the evening, at which time he recovered from his stupor. Finding himself very muddy, [he] immediately started for a pump (a public watering-place on the street) to wash himself[.] On his way to the pump another drunken man was leaning over a horse post[;] this, Bill mistook for the pump and at once took hold of the arm of the man for the handle, the use of which set the occupant of the post throwing up. Bill believing all was right put both hands under and gave himself a thorough washing. He then made his way to the grocery for something to drink. On entering the door one of his comrades exclaimed in a tone of surprise, Why Bill what in the world is the matter[?] Bill said in reply by G-d you ought to have seen me before I washed.”
Lincoln enjoyed telling the story about a fellow “who had a great veneration for Revolutionary relics. He heard tha[t] an old lady…had a dress which she had worn in the Revolutionary war. He made a special visit to this lady and asked her if she could produce the dress as a satisfaction to his love of aged things. She obliged him by opening a drawer and bringing out the article in question. The enthusiastic person took up the dress and delivered an apostrophe to it, ‘Were you the dress,’ said he, ‘that this lady once young and blooming wore in the time of Washington? No doubt when you came home from the dress maker she kissed you as I do now!’ At this the relic hunter took the old dress and kissed it heartily. The practical old lady rather resented such foolishness over an old piece of wearing apparel and she said: ‘Stranger if you want to kiss something old you had better kiss my ass. It is sixteen years older than that dress.”
Classic! Wouldn’t you love to hear Lincoln tell these stories with his strong sense of storytelling, delivered in his high-pitched voice and unique oratory style? Many thanks to Michael Burlingame for digging up these humorous stories and sharing them with us in his 2-volume book. I hope you enjoyed them. Tom~
Tags: Abraham Lincoln humor, Abraham Lincoln' s off-color humor, Abraham Lincoln's jokes, Abraham Lincoln's off-color jokes, The Old Line Blog
